NSFW CosmoSexTips is the most ridiculous Instagram account ever

Music 24/11/2014

I'm sure most of you have sneakily picked up a Cosmo magazine (yes, I'm including the boys) and ripped open that "secret" sex section only to find it's fill of stupid sex suggestions, such as working out ways to bring Tabasco into foreplay.

@cosmosextips is the latest in a long line of jesters to ridicule the techniques so carefully illustrated in the magazine. Read the ridiculous scenarios one could use to spice up their sex life.

Psychedelic Fur: Indulge your man's taste for the outdoors and go on a rustic camping trip. Once you've pitched the tent 39😉, pour him a delicious glass of Pinot Noir laced with peyote. Then go on a night hike and abandon him in the woods by himself. While he's becoming one with nature, shoot and kill a brown bear. Skin it, get naked and drape yourself in the fresh pelt. Rawrrrrr! Now it's time to pounce! Sneak up on your man in your sexy bear birthday suit and attack! If he becomes too aggressive, fire a single warning shot near his ear to calm him down. And if he totally freaks out, leave him for dead, girl! You DON'T want to be with someone who doesn't share your wild sense of adventure. #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 1:39pm PST

Baby Love: Start breast pumping in secret until your tits naturally start lactating. Meanwhile, take every opportunity you have to emasculate your man. Make fun of him in front of his coworkers, criticize him in front of his family, embarrass him in public. Stop having sex with him completely for at least a month. Then, when he's practically a shell of his former self, seduce him unexpectedly! Just as he's about to climax, make him pull out and punch him as hard as you can in the dick. When he starts to tear up, squirt breast milk in his eyes and scream, "What do you want? Your mommy?!" Then immediately start cradling him and encourage him to breast feed until he feels safe again. Repeat this move two or three times and he will NEVER leave your side! #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 8:02pm PST

The Switcheroo: All men love having their prostate tickled, but you shouldn't have to get your hands dirty if you don't want to! Blindfold your man and handcuff him to the bed, face down. Sensually massage him and kiss all the way down his back until you reach his backdoor 39😉. Say you have to grab some ice and excuse yourself momentarily. Once you've left the room, send your gay BFF in to finish the job! Your man will love the expertise and attention to detail a gay touch provides. When your man's about to come, run back into the room and rip off his blindfold so he can see he's in a surprise threesome! After he's blown his load, have your gay BFF give him a tender kiss and whisper, "Your secret's safe with us." #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 2:51pm PST

The Houdini: Here's a great tip for keeping your marriage sexy and exciting! The day after you say "I do," pack one bag of your belongings and skip town, leaving everything behind. Relocate to a whole new city, but be sure not to tell a soul where you're going. Secrecy is key, sister! Once you're settled, assume a brand new identity. Cut off contact with everyone you know, and use this time to discover the new you! Once everyone from your old life thinks you're dead, it's time to come back to town! Sneak into your hubby's house in the middle of the night, crawl into his bed, and wake him up with a surprise blowjob. He'll be so happy to see you, he'll erupt with pleasure! #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 2:57pm PST

The Sugar Mama: This one's sure to blow his mind! Announce to your boyfriend that you're taking him out for dinner at his favorite restaurant. When dessert comes, break the news to him that his mother has stage 3 lung cancer and everyone in his family knew about it but didn't want to tell him. Gently explain that, best case scenario, his mom has 6 good months of life left. When your bf starts crying, shout "Just kidding, babe!" and jerk him off furiously under the table, using his tears as lube! #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 5:58pm PST

Love Velcro: While your guy sleeps, coat his pubes with superglue then apply superglue liberally to your own. Now mount him slowly, making sure your sticky pubes interlock. Be careful not to wake him! Once your pubes are stuck firmly together, rouse Mr. Sleepyhead with a gentle handjob. Once he's fully hard and ready to fuck, slide his dick inside you. When he realizes you're glued to each other, smile and whisper "Now we'll be together forever!" #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 4:01pm PST

Date Night Delight: Wear a super sexy outfit for date night with your man. While you're out, tease him alllllll night. When things start to get hot and heavy back home, arch your back and let him slip it in for one thrust, then scream "Cramps!" push him away violently and fall asleep. In the morning he'll be begging for more! #CosmoSexTip

A photo posted by Cosmo Sex Tips (@cosmosextips) on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:13pm PST