If Cosmo wrote sex tips for men

Music 06/12/2016
Cosmopolitan, aka Cosmo, has dished out god awful sex advice to women for decades.

The Ask Anything thread on Reddit has turned the tables. Today we’re finding out what sex tips for men would sound like from the voice of Cosmo.

One Redditor even mocked up a prospective cover...

Cosmo cover based on Redditors comments

Note, none of these tips are actually written by Cosmo - Just those of us who have been smacking our head against the counter while our significant other picks up a copy in the supermarket checkouts or the hairdresser hands us a copy for “light reading” while they tackle our mops and expect us to actually consume this bull shit.

Also note, in case this wasn’t clear already, none of these tips are serious. They’re terrible for effect guys. Don’t try this at home.

“Surprise your girlfriend with a threesome!”
“Eat hot peppers before going down on her; it will give her a tingle she won’t forget”

The Sunken Pirate:
“If you’re a busy man but still want to satisfy her needs, take her doggy style and use her back to write notes on. Or put your laptop on her ass. Multitasking is a quality highly sought after in a partner!”

“Blow into her pussy and wait for her head to explode.”

“Dip your dick in chocolate sauce for a better blow job.”
“Surprise her. With anal.”
“Get her friends involved.”

jaymavs says: 
“Make yourself a sandwich, and then share half with your girlfriend.”

“For some exciting sexy talk, compare her to your ex-girlfriends.”

“I put whipped cream on my dick when I want a blowjob. Works a treat but my girlfriend is putting on weight. What now Cosmo?”

Talesof Fiction:
“If your girlfriend likes skin care products, but hates the price, always make sure you cum on her face as it’s good for her skin.”

BadroomWarrior says; 
“Surprise her while wearing a hairnet (anywhere that has hair). Knead her breasts like dough, occasionally adding olive oil and salt. Refer to her genitals as ‘a mighty fine pizza pie.’ This will get her in the mood for something.”

It’sToughBeingARobot says;
“Dump her ass and leave her totally wanting more!”

LasaroM adds; 
“Then take her back so you can do it all over again! She’ll be swept away by the roller coaster of emotions. The real thing won’t leave her vomiting as much.”

If you want to read more you can find the full thread here.

Think we can all agree, when directed at men Cosmo sounds abhorrent, misogynistic and ignorant. So why is it okay when it’s directed at the ladies?

Boycott Cosmo team…