Yesterday it was officially announced that Auckland will have a team in the A-League, starting from the 2024 - 2025 season. Billionaire Bill Foley, who owns a couple of American sports teams, will take the reigns.
Since the news, the whole George office has not slept. We’ve researched The City of Sails' vast cultural, lengthy and girthy history to find the perfect name for the city’s brand-new soccer team.
We came up with ten that Mr. Foley can feel free to use, just give us credit or sponsorship or free feeds for a year.
Ten NAMES FOR AUCKLAND'S NEW A-LEAGUE TEAM
An obvious choice - it's a commentator's dream: 'Stay away from Auckland Traffic', 'Auckland Traffic will wear you down', 'Auckland Traffic has ground to a halt', 'They’ve got the green light', 'It’s rush hour here in Auckland' (for when we score goals quickly) and, of course, 'Auckland Traffic sucks!'.
It's not something I’ve ever done personally (I know you're reading this, mum) but my mate's cousin's dog told me K Road is a nang-buying hotspot. It's a culturally relevant name that lends itself to sick songs for the team to run out to.
For every five parking spots in Auckland, there are three Suzuki Swifts taking up all of them. Legend has it that all traffic jams are caused by someone distractedly saying: ‘God DAMN, that’s like the 13,351st Suzuki Swift I’ve seen today'.
A bonus about this name would Swifties would be all over it, giving us access to the world’s largest cult.
Auckland Media Drongos
Wayne Brown’s tenure as Mayor started off about as well as Daryll Tuffey’s opening over that one time. Famously, a leaked group chat text showed that ol’ Browny couldn’t play tennis that day because he had “to deal with media drongos”.
Not only is it a nod to our (beloved?) leader, but drongo is a truly top-tier word and incredibly fun to say.
This one might still be triggering for many AKers, but you have to admit, it'd make a great sports team name. Lockdown defence, amirite? Unite against the opposition? Two shots on target for summer? Endless possibilities.
Auckland City Rail Link
Ya can’t go one news cycle without hearing about Auckland’s new and improved train line that’s definitely going to happen. The only bad thing about this name (yeah, there’s only one) is the team may never finish chances.
Auckland FB (Finance Bros or Fuck Boys)
Auckland is crawling with dudes working till 2 AM every night just so they can be a manager at one of the big four accounting branches.
It’s also got its fair share of ‘u up?’ texters dressed in all Stussy. Oftentimes, these two identities are the same person, shifting from morning to night like Bruce Wayne to Batman.
When it comes to choosing one, take your pick - you'll definitely find both types of dudes in the stands at the matches.
This one just has to be said. It's a great sponsorship opportunity, too: The overpriced AF stadium food stands can sell the Jaffa chocolates for $100 a bag. Plus, the whole uniform could just be Jaffa-branded.
Auckland Client Lunch
If you enter an Auckland restaurant on a workday, prepare to be surrounded by so much schmoozing and boozing you could smell the burning plastic on the company credit cards' swipey bit.
When opposing teams hear they’ve got Client Lunch on the schedule, they’ll go to wild lengths to impress us, resulting in us winning plenty of games.
AK Sure Goal, Sure Thing
The era of the sexist saying 'shore girl, shore thing' was a mistake, just like trying to drive to Devonport on a weekend.
The North Shore might not be the true home of football in New Zealand, but imagine the chants - let's reclaim this one for the gals.
So, Mr. Bill Foley, take your pick and bring us a championship.